Morality Play

When they put me on trial they’ll ask me, “Who are you? What have you done with your life? Why won’t you ever change, for the better that is?”

And I’ll grimace and say not a word, because I was too ashamed.

Though I know I should change my outlook and my attitude and my everything (not the sense of humour, though, God forbid I should ever change my sense of humour), I won’t. Because a person like me doesn’t change. I’m content with what I have and what I do, until I’m reminded of all my obligations that I pushed aside. Then I’ll grimace and say not a word, and find some further distraction.

Yeah.

Enough with the wallowing in self-pity, I suppose.

The trouble is I don’t know what I want. Well, I know what I want to do. I want to write and feel clever, but I’ve yet to find the persistence and willpower to continue doing so. Inspiration comes in flashes and I’ll write it down, then watch an episode of something or the other and leave it hanging there. So I suppose there won’t be an end to these self-pitying entries soon. It’s sad, I feel sad for myself.

随便啦

几天前的早上起来听Slash 10年的专辑，心里冒出这么一句话：
“雕阑玉砌应犹在，只是朱颜改。”
然后：“人面不知何处去，桃花依旧笑春风。”
一方面想自己在这伤春悲秋到底是图什么啊，一方面还是觉得很郁闷，因此我就伤心地随便点网页，希望能有点干扰。
其实我喜欢的大部分东西都和我无关，我在点击的时候想。说到底我是一个没有目标的人了。这情况我也知道了好久，只不过从来没承认。现在如此写下来似乎一切都确定了，这也是为什么我之前从来不写下来的缘故。其实我按backspace就可以把这一切都消除，但是写下来了就是写下来了，再也无法消除，就算没有人看到也好。
但是在这么写下来之后我又觉得字字都变得苍白无力。无非是人在这自怨自艾而已，和我鄙视的那些没有区别。可是我因这些感情而深深烦恼着，不能解脱。我相信我感受到的都是真诚的负面情感，而不是为赋新词的那种，因为我现在没有因为自己的不愉快而写出什么东西，相反我丧失了正常做事的意志，平日只能努力找精神麻醉物而已。
之前没有说过，现在也没说清楚，字句残破不能成章，然则我稍微愉快了些。

本来这是在豆瓣上的，不过还是移到这边吧。感觉更适合。

Well

Decided to find a new theme for this. Something bright and happy.

And here I was, browsing for themes, listening to Someone Like You and feeling tremendously sorry for myself. Two of these three things change every night: I might find another method of procrastination, I might be listening to Metallica instead of Adele – but I will always be feeling sorry for myself. That is fixed. A point of stability in my otherwise stagnant life. That is not something to brag about, really.

So I really did change the theme. It’s called “Brand New Day” or something like it. Its colour scheme is blue and yellow. It seems bubbly and lively. A change I really could use. Who knows. Maybe tomorrow is the day I turn my life around. Certainly one day I would change the theme again, and this wouldn’t be blue and yellow and bubbly and lively anymore. But I feel I have something to say, so I type whatever comes into my head and now I’m done with it.

Tonight my head is filled with clouds and fog.

untitled

乾脆徹底放棄追求算了……

真的不知道我究竟在幹什麼。就這樣一次又一次地screw myself over。

發誓要好好做人，但是最後就會忘記。

I’m so uninspired, so sick and tired [of nothing and everything].

Resolution … kind of

I always exacerbate things, because I fear confrontation. This fear is crippling, so crippling, the very thought of it so unpleasant, that it is so easy for me to pretend everything is all right.

I make no promises that I will change by tomorrow.

I am just determined to tackle this problem bit by bit. Because I am suddenly aware that soon I will be going nowhere with my life.

我想……

其實我最想做的，無非就是翻翻書，看看電影，聽聽音樂，寫點東西。

我不想總結時代的變遷，不想指出資產階級的價值體系到底是如何形成的——

我承認我並不是不情願做這種事情，可是有的時候——

我就是想欣賞，爲了自己的愉悅而欣賞，不是爲了大道理，不是爲了瞭解世界的過去現在和未來，不是爲了任何東西，除了自己的愉悅。

幾個星期前我坐在床上一口氣看完了《Ender’s Game》。突然意識到我現在大部份時候的看書是爲了完成任務。想到暑假的時候看《三體III》以及《罪與罰》的時候——我應該拿出那時候的精神。

想做的事情太多，要做的事情也不少，時間也就那麼多時間。

所以我還是羡慕《Groundhog Day》的主角的。

古人们都来劈死我吧

之一

蒹葭苍苍 白露为霜 所谓伊人 在水一方
溯洄从之 道阻且长 而我只能 默默怀想
佳人难觅 黯然神伤 何以解忧 唯有杜康

之二

青青子衿 悠悠我心 但为君故 沉吟至今
青青子袖 我心悠悠 弃我如履 我心哀愁

之三

昔我往矣 杨柳依依
今我来思 雨雪霏霏
天地悠悠 无人知意
比翼双飞 心有灵犀

[唉。我希望有一天我能写点真正的诗。]

Treadmill

白馨在去健身房的路上经过了一家宠物店。她没时间也没心情养宠物，不过还是望了一眼。橱窗里面放了一个笼子，里面一只小仓鼠在滚轮里面跑着。白馨径直往前走了。

每天都在固定时间去健身，因为这似乎是新世纪人类必须做的，而且她前一段时间狠下心来办了一年的健身卡。白馨告诉自己说规律的生活和频繁的锻炼才是健康长寿的根本，但是内心又想起了小说电影里所有被一成不变的日子折磨致疯的人。一般在这个时候就会突然发生什么打破僵局吧，白馨想。她抬头看了看天，但是没有UFO飞过天空，也没有陨石砸下来，让一切都灰飞烟灭。天空灰蒙蒙的，连太阳都看不真切。

说真的白馨今天不想去跑了，但耳边立刻回响起前几天吵架的时候母亲所说的话。

“你就是没有毅力……”

白馨烦恼地握紧了拳头。这种话她从小到大听得多了，从小学她退了奥数班起，一直到现在。母亲当然也没有忘记奥数的事情。“如果你当时好好学习，不退奥数班的话，现在怎么可能是这种地步？你又怎么会想辞职？你为什么不能坚持呢？”可是白馨相信自己是有毅力的，只不过从来没有找到一件让她能够发自内心的事情。奥数如此，现在的工作也如此。她常常被告知自己的态度不对，但是她心中所想就是这样，她无法改变。

现在的她，不过如同仓鼠，在原地奔跑而已。白馨突然想起来，其实仓鼠的转轮和跑步机在英文里是同一个词，都是treadmill。这未免太点题了，白馨松开拳头。

Not really poetry, but just call it blank verse.

I’m not the best person in the world

But I’m not the worst either.

So I always succumb to your emotional blackmail,

Always. Always. Always.

Call it Forever and a day.

You get through my locked doors

All my defenses, all my walls;

You break the silence when I wish to be dumb and deaf,

Offer me company when my heart feels too crowded, too crowded.

And I’ll pretend everything is OK

After a kiss and a hug -

or two.

[And I know it's not blank verse. It's not in iambic pentameter.]

Tolerance

I know that I should be tolerant of other people – I don’t mean that I have trouble “tolerating” other people as in having trouble with their race, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, culture, etc. – I mean that, generally, people are just annoying me more and more.

Sometimes I just can’t stand some of the people around me. I find myself disagreeing with them more and more. They don’t clash with my views in a particularly violent or intentional way, a lot of the time, what they say is out of good humour, but I just can’t stand it. Like astrology – I just want to shoot myself in the head every time someone mentions horoscopes. Seriously, you believe in a group of celestial bodies (that were probably dead by the time we see them in the sky) decide your personality and fate? And every time you talk about someone, you’d add, “because he is a Pisces, so he is …”

But I become most angry when it comes to women’s rights. From articles I see on xiaonei to daily conversations, it seems that most of Chinese youths are still convinced that a woman’s rightful place is in the household, being a good wife and mother. Careers are not really for women. Well, first of all, what about lesbians? What about bisexuals? What about transsexuals? What about asexuals? Second, why can’t a woman have a career? Of course, romantic and family love is important, but why must it be the whole freakin world to a woman?

There are other things, but maybe I’ll write about them later. Otherwise I’ll become too angry.

Look, freedom of speech and all, and other people are entitled to their opinions, but I just can’t stand it. I’m sorry.